Definition of the best Christmas eve eve ever.

"Eh thanks a lot, king," says I in a manner well-bread, "but all I want is 'enry 'iggins 'ead."

noël arrive.

Did you even have any idea the Santa Houses in malls around the USA make about $2,255,750,000 taking pictures?
Do you agree that this ia amazing? I believe Hannah and I will join their ranks this year, as mom has asked ONLY for a picture of us with santa. 





and here's a list of Christmas things you are dying, dying to know. 




adorable: The tradition of putting tangerines in stockings comes from 12th-century French nuns who left socks full of fruit, nuts and tangerines at the houses of the poor.


for anyone who wants to take a more critical look at christmas: There is no reference to angels singing anywhere in the Bible.
and
JESUS was probably born in a cave and not a wooden stable, say Biblical scholars. (although that is adorable, it's like Jesus was a baby bear.)


if you need a reason all wars are bad, take this one to your war-loving relatives: IN 1647, after the English Civil War, Oliver Cromwell banned festivities. The law wasn't lifted until 1660. (clearly wars always cause an end to anything fun....like having legs)


and if you want to be a christmas-chub:  MANY parts of the Christmas tree can actually be eaten, with the needles being a good source of Vitamin C.


if you just like to laugh: ASTRONOMERS believe the Star Of Bethlehem, which guided the wisemen to Jesus, may have been a comet or the planet Uranus.


if you want to hate America: UPSIDE-down artificial Xmas trees are sold to allow more gifts to be piled under.




welcome to the season. :D 

Agent P

What a brilliant idea. A b-plot in a kids show that features a secret agent platypus. (stuck in his epic battle with arch-nemesis Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz.)
Basically Perry is the kind of the all animal espionage organization (OWCA, or Organization Without A Cool Acronym.)
I delight in this idea so much. So trippy.
Adorable nemesis song.

one of the coolest things produced by facebook...

Napoleon at his best.

Think of your favorite Jacques-Louis David painting...

Are you thinking of a turban-ed, eczema ridden dead guy just chillin out in the bath tub?

Not me. Check this out.



Just look at those gams!

And holy crap, he certainly seems to be storing a lot of stuff in those pants...

Love this painting....oh and all the néo-classissisme drama that goes with it? Love that too.

Of course, Napoleon is here depicted as a Roman emperor (can't you tell by the hair?)

Oh, and look how tirelessly he is working for the motherland...it's 3h20 on the clock, and see how low his candle is? Another sleepless night spent working, working away.

My personal favorite speculations about this painting are those about the wrinkely-ness of the rug. Yeah, this is a real thing. Scholars suggest that the rug has attained this level of wrinkely-ness because he just jumped up to have this 20ft portrait painted of himself...in the middle of the night.

I humbly suggest this alternative: Napoleon liked to watch other people trip.





There is often much confusion about who this painter, Jacques-Louis David is.

Is he this man?

No, no he is not. this is Ingres.


David:












Ingres:

In case you ever become confused, you might want to perform this test I taught my students. "The man who painted this... does he look homeless?" 

Yeah?

Probably David.

Do glasses make you look smarter? and: can you cover a nose ring with a huge pair of glasses?

The answers to these questions are: "apparently" and "apparently not," respectively.

I find that there is a positive correlation between high IQ and degenerating eyesight.
Basically, if you are 15, and your eyeballs are already all buggered out, your pretty supersmart. its a simple fact. you're just out of the womb and blind? must be geniuuuus!!!

also, in a study (devised and conducted by myself) it was discovered that you cannot "convincingly" cover a nose ring with a pair of glasses. Not even if you wear them as low as the most extreme librarian. (not that i have a nose ring yet, i'm still a big fake. i am just nervous about the month i have to leave it in before i can put a glass retainer in. long reach staff, please don't hate me. i just want to be a fake hindu lady, no big deal.)

Dorian's Day Off

i got a call a few nights back, very late, very suspicious. i was visiting Jdubbs, so i wasn't at home, and it was my neighbor, Harrieth calling.
"Emily," she said. " think we have your rat. ...There was a tiny rat or mouse
running across our floor, but he was so pretty so we picked him up. we thought he might be yours."

"yeah, i think that's my hamster," i said.

Apparently he had jettisoned his little hideout-pod straight off his cage and had probably taken a very hard landing on my floor. Judging by the distance from his table, he'd gotten some pretty sweet air.

"Well, our cat was out, so we put him in the cat cage," she said. "But the cat came home, so James moved him to a box. He wasn't even afraid of the cat."
James took the phone for a second and went into great detail about how the little scaramouche had bitten his finger. "tick!"

While I was on the way over, they fed him grapes and milk like a little dionysos. As a result of his pampering during this little stint, I'm expecting many more such occasions in future.

Dorian v. Marshmallow

wordle à la Françis Cabrel (ou bien Gerald De Palmas)

In honor of the French Praxis i took this morning (and not in honor of my spanish-speaking seat partner who blabbed for like 50 minutes of the thing) i have created a gallery of wordles made of the lyrics of french songs. real french songs that don't come from africa.

yes, i am bitter. this is because 70% of the culture was on african things, when it was a test on france, and i have yet to discover what a nokhakha is. (although i slam-dunked algeria on the map.)

welcome to the homage of français french.

je l'aime a mourir

ta da. 

also

elle habite ici

trick-or-treat to the max

Who doesn't love halloween...the only day it's cool to lean over to a stranger and whisper, "hey, what are you gonna be wearing tonight?" 

yes, halloween. yes, again!


In my opinion, there are three main ingredients for a perfect celebration of this holyish day:
1. the best costume ever.
2. a trick-or-treat strategy.
3. the scariest movie of all time.


1. okay, so the costume. expensive or home-made, it is required to include either a sparkle, felt, or humorous design.
take these two examples:


the first is an old favorite if you are going for something timeless and a little bit dangerous...
 a jellyfish.





but let's go one better... (and this is thanks to liz):
the pterodactyl dionsaur monster



catch your breath, because...



because when you are dressed as a pterodactyl dionsaur monster, you always win.




2. now that you have the perfect costume, let's move on to the trick-or-treat strategy.
there are some basic guidelines that are generally adhered to...


It's ok:
-to scream "your pumpkins are on fire!" to clear the path to the house your pal just told you was running low on twix.
-to headbutt any neighbor who dares hand you a toothbrush
-to hip check a toddler who gets between you and smarties


It's less ok:
-to rape, pillage and plunder because you have chosen to dress as a viking
-to strangle and devour people walking past you because you're going as the sphinx
-that's pretty much it.


Best strategies running:
1) grab a partner, to help you find your way back if you accidentally go on a treating marathon and end up in the next town. (make sure this parnter's costume is smashing, and it would help if they have been to the junior olympics for anything long-distance.)
2) if you want to be a trick-or-treat champion, there is absolutely no tolerance for stilettos, wedges and pumps. (you'll just have to say no to that cool looking Louis the 16th costume.)
3) practice your trip several times beforehand, making sure you can walk continuously between the hours of 4pm-9pm. remember: you must never take a rest! 


3. and finally! the movie! i am being discriminating here, and not choosing any movies that have jump-out-of-your-seat moments.
 why? well, because instead of the socially acceptable response to things that jump out at you (jumping and perhaps emitting a tiny shriek) i tend to go the socially unacceptable route (wetting myself).


so what movie will do? this year i have chosen The Innocents (1961) based on The Turn of the Screw.
what is sacrier than a nanny who can convince you to be cuckoo? few things.





that's the last strategy covered.
now you are ready to go out, leaping and dancing toward a pillowcase full of candy and the best halloween ever!

Taylor Swift - Mine

my favorite way to not study for the praxis II is to watch 7 taylor swift music videos in a row. thank you for not pole-dancing, taylor swift, this may be one of my favorite things about you.

i have just decided to make going to your concerts in charleston a tradition, because this music video is

pretty spectacular.

...just when i thought you were drying up...BAM...Mine arrived.

(hurray 10 days until the album is released!)

Hamlet the B.A.M.F.

Perhaps you read and disliked Hamlet as a child. Perhaps you accidentally once stumbled upon the Mel Gibson version of Hamlet on tv some evening-- the one in which Ophelia looks as though she might someday have a fling with Sweeney Todd.

...Or perhaps you ran into my classroom this morning considerably disturbed, at times shouting insults to William "the king" Shakespeare, at others wailing because you thought the 3 weeks you've spent on hamlet would have been better spent training crickets to chant like a choir of monks.

Perpare to be schooled, and meet here the method of your tutlage:

10 Reasons Hamlet is Cooler Than Us All*

• Hamlet is from Denmark. And he was an actual guy. 
• The Lion King is based on the story.
• It talks about all the stupidity and craziness of everyday life that you, oh French I student, talk about all the time.
• It is one of the first books in which a "crazy" guy is a hero.
• It has the quote: "Revenge should know no bounds." And while that's not really inspiring, you can't say it isn't badass.
• Hamlet was probably about your age.
• Because he can even care for somebody as annoying as Ophelia.
• Hamlet is kind of a dork, and when Ophelia breaks up with him, he's like "no way! i liked you so much" and then "i never even liked you anyway, nunnery waif." and then "dang it, really?!? i liked you so much" again. 
• Ohpelia spends her free (crazy) time hanging from flowers tied to trees. This did end up killing her though, so...
• Shakespear universally allows his jesters to tell the truth. (My favorite being the fool in the 12th night, but yorick's cameo is pretty cool too.)

And, one last attack: FINISH THE BOOK BEFORE YOU PASS JUDGEMENT.

you never know. 

like some of those greek myths that are such poop, and then oh hey! great ending. 

(Warning: If you do finish this and don't like it, never, ever read Romeo and Juliette.)

*i reserve the right to not believe in these at all, although it is me who's making the list. 

i take issue with posting things

and here is that issue: why must one type in things like "dicturbo" (written in squiggly neon letters) before comments/posts? yes, to prove we are people, but whyyyyy? also, why is there a picture of a person in a wheelchair next to the squiggly word-to-be-typed? are the handicapped somehow let off the hook?




(it's actually not that bad, i'm just getting excited about posting things now.)

must...architect...first...post...

hurray new blog, you have created yourself with very little help from me. and while i'm at it, let me just wish you a happy birthday!
(relief! finally someplace where i can write and don't have to feel guilty about NEVER EVER using caps. that was a one-time exception. oh, and rampant, boardering on epidemic comma usage! hurray! all friends who have bugged me about my ungovernable commas, you may suck it now!)
ohmigosh. blog perhaps = drug that makes you demented and liable to yell at your friends?

well, here is something that will redeem me: the most awesome of the Learn. Genetics cell size and scale websites.   GIANT COFFEE BEANS!

the only place where a coffee bean looks like it can crush your Escalade.